A walk to remember

I almost forgot what it was like…
How it felt…
And who I am...

It was Christmas day. All was busy, crowded and noisy, when suddenly I felt this suffocating pressure in my throat. Like a lump I just couldn’t swallow around. I wasn't really concerned for my health since I’m not allergic to anything. But once my chest felt heavy, and I began to pace from room to room as though searching for something unknown, I knew what was happening. I don’t believe I officially suffer from claustrophobia, but I can certainly recognize when a serious case of restlessness encloses around me. And this time was no different: I HAD to get out. Now, I find that putting off the inevitable will only lead to unhappy frustration, so when that ruthless impulse tugged at me, I grabbed the nearest coat and shoes, piled them on and walked out; barely giving myself time to snatch my ipod for some music.

Once facing the street, I put my headphones on, cued the music, lifted my head and set my feet off. I figured a little fresh air and some light exercise would satisfy my little claustrophobic problem for a while. And yet, as I walked, with no particular destination in mind, a series of bracing sensations began to build up. I felt light, I felt refreshed, I felt spirited, I felt good, I felt... free. And then, the most incredible thing happened… I remembered. I remembered everything that I had promised myself not to forget, I remembered all the things I believed in since I was little, I remembered the dreams I had wanted for myself, that I’d hoped so many times would come true. I felt myself almost bloom in that instant of reverie, while my feet marched on to nameless places and the bright setting sun lit the way for my musings. It was like drinking a cool glass of water after settling for un-quenching beverages. I felt ready to soar, like my wings were just stretching after being kept restrained for so long; when before, I hardly noticed how I’d shackled my freedom and how it was wilting before my very eyes.

It was… an incredible feeling, to remember. To remember ME, myself, the person I know breathes beneath these layers of the everyday lifestyle, roles, struggles, distractions, tests and hardships. For that long short moment in time, I found myself. I remembered how I used to laugh at my own jokes, I remembered how I’d imagine at least ten impossible things each day, I remembered how I howled at the full moon when no one was looking, I remembered how I’d lay under the stars and tried to count each one, I remembered how I’d climb to the rooftop of my house to see the sunsets, I remember how I would run for no reason other than to feel free… I remember.

Perhaps it sounds contradictory to believe that one can be lost, yet not missing at the same time. But it CAN happen. It did to me. I might not have been at risk of transforming into this unidentifiable robot, yet it could have easily appeared that way. It certainly felt that way when I walked straight into this beautiful wall of enlightenment. Instead of being blinded by trivial details I was able to see myself again, the way I used to.

I think I’ll be going on long walks more often...

By: V.S